Dear TJ: A Thank You To TJ Klune

Dear TJ,

As I read the last words of The Long and Winding Road, I tried to think of how best to review the book. Of course, I gave it five stars on Goodreads. I think I’ve given every book in the BOATK series five stars. But how to put into words what the book and the series meant to me? That was the tough part. So I thought I would just write a letter to you.

I discovered Bear, Otter, and the Kid accidently. I was just discovering the “wide” world of gay literature, and had developed an affinity for stories where one of the main characters is raising a kid. Usually they were a kid from a one night affair with a woman or they were a nephew/niece or what have you, but yours was different. And the story was different. I immediately fell in love with Bear, his little brother Ty, and the love of Bear’s life, Otter. I also fell in love with their family. I think the fact that it was set in a town based on my home town of Seaside, OR also immediately connected me to the story and the characters.

Your characters aren’t ripped muscle gods who can do no wrong, though Otter comes close, and they aren’t werewolves and vampires who struggle with alphas and betas and what have you, which is fine for others, and those stories have their places. But your characters in the BOATK series, and also the Tell Me It’s Real series, are real people. I can see these people existing in the world. I want to be friends with these people. Hell, I want to marry Otter and have his babies. That realism is what makes readers invest in your books as much as we do. It is what makes you a great author.

When I read The Art of Breathing, it was during the start of a really bad period of my life. My anxiety issues had never been as bad as they had, and I felt like no one understood. Reading how you wrote Ty’s anxiety issues and how he dealt with them was so realistic. I had never read or seen anything in fiction come close to touching on how anxiety makes you feel like that. I felt like anxiety finally had a voice. That’s something you did. It is another thing that makes you a great author.

I can’t lie. When I read that the fourth book would be the last, I was devastated. As a fan of soap operas, I like my stories to go on and on and on. But, realistically I know that sometimes the stories have to come to an end. And so when The Long and Winding Road came out, I steeled myself. I knew it was going to wreck me. I knew I wasn’t going to be ok saying goodbye to these characters who had become like family to me. These characters whose stories I had read and reread over and over. But I knew I had to read those last words of their stories.

Thank you. Thank you for ending it the way it should have ended. Thank you for not wrapping things up in a nice little bow. Thank you for not just sending them off into the sunset. Even though their fictional, it’s nice to think that they’ll continue on with their lives even without us readers peeking in on them. I’ll still reread the series from time to time. I don’t know how often I’ll reread the last book though. Because the last book did wreck me. It did have me pulling some Wookie crying face. Some loud sobbing in my bed in the middle of the night like most of the other books. But I’ll reread it. Because these characters mean that much to me. And that’s what makes you a great author.

Your works, besides these two series, mean the world to me TJ. Thank you for being the guy you are. Thank you for being willing to be interviewed for my Bachelor’s Degree paper on gay literature five years ago. Thank you for continuing to be there for your fans while also establishing that you are a real person that is allowed to have a life. Thank you for knowing how much these characters mean to us all. Thank you. 

Goodreads: The Long and Winding Road

Random Ramblings: Anxiety, Depression, and Me

Discovered in December that my Anxiety is more powerful than my Depression at the moment, but April challenged that. Big time. I held it together at work, but broke down on breaks with Amanda (thank you for listening). I'd come home, and just lay in bed, chewing food cause I knew I needed to eat but really there was no satisfaction (still isn't really though I'm trying). Friends asked me if I wanted to check into a hospital which only drove my anxiety up (anxiety wanted to win, that ho), and I found that mental health providers in Oregon really lack in bedside manner and support.

I'm not proud of where I am in my life. I'm sure many who I went to high school with, if they even thought about me at all (I'm not saying that to put myself down, it's just that I was kind of a nobody in my class for the most part), thought I would go on to some great college and become some high-powered person. Instead, I made decisions where I let fear control me. And it made me lose friends. Luckily, I was able to get some of those friends back (Hayley and Ash), but some I feel are gone forever. And I’m not good with that, but am starting to become okay with it, because I realize that while I lost good people, they also lost someone. One thing Hayley told me during our last fight before I moved out of our apartment was that I wasn’t a bad person, but that I had basically become something that was driving people away. I own that. I get that. But some of it goes both ways, and if they don’t understand that a lot of my actions were driven by depression and anxiety, then that’s on them. I’m not saying all my actions were, but a majority were. Mental illness is a bitch.

I live in a situation where I feel I have nothing. And most days I’m able to distract myself enough to not think about that. Weekends come and I’m not able to. So I try. And I fight. And some days I need a little help so I take my as-needed medication for those really tough moments. But you know what’s a bitch about that as-needed medication. My doctor will only prescribe so many to me per a period of months. She expects my therapist to be able to deal with the rest. Really? So what am I supposed to do when I’m having an anxiety attack at 2 AM? When I had to be hospitalized in December, they asked me why I hadn’t taken any of these pills. I told them because my doctor only gives me so many and because I have to ration them because she won’t give me more. I understand that I need to be able to learn other coping ways besides medication, but when it’s 2 AM and you are afraid to set foot in your bedroom, let alone lay in your bed, and you can’t breathe, and you can’t stop thinking about how much easier it would be to just die, you need a damn pill to help calm those feelings down sometimes so you can at least start thinking rationally.

I have been suicidal off and on since I was 15. What’s funny is the moments you would think would cause me to be that way, those crisis points, like losing my mom, were not the moments I felt suicidal. When I went to the hospital in December and told them I was suicidal, well, it wasn’t that they didn’t believe me, but they didn’t think I was really to the level where I’d actually do it. So planning the suicide note, one each for my dad, my sister, my brother, and two of the people I consider my best friends at this point in my life, and knowing that I have enough pills to take me out pretty quickly isn’t suicidal enough for you?

The clinic they sent me to, instead of admitting me to the hospital, was… lackluster at best. I won’t go into too much detail, but it was basically a waystation. They just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to off yourself but you weren’t really allowed to talk too much about what got you there in the first place. But I can see why they didn’t think they needed to admit me to the hospital. There were people that literally cried all day long. I guess you could say I am high-functioning. I can usually make it through a whole day. I put on a good act I guess.

Where is this rambling going? I guess I just get bogged down by a few things:

• People telling me things like “Are you afraid you’re going to have fun?” when I’m scared to go to a social event. Luckily, my best friend Hayley has learned that if she throws a party and I don’t go it isn’t because I don’t want to or it isn’t because I don’t love her. It’s because I just can’t. I would love to. I sit here many days thinking about all these things I would love to do and then the physical sensations of anxiety take over and it’s just too much. So no I’m not afraid of having fun, but what I’m afraid of is just everything else. And you saying things like this does not help me or anyone else with these issues. 
• People claiming they have mental health issues but refusing to seek treatment. The reason I have an issue with this is because what happens is that they may not actually have any mental health issues and when they’re “better” then people look at them and compare them to those who have actual mental health issues and go to those people and say things like “Well this person got over their issues, why can’t you just get over yours?” It isn’t that easy. And I’m not saying that if you don’t have the ability to seek mental health treatment/evaluation that you are in this category. I’m talking about those who do have the ability to seek that treatment and just refuse to.
• Making fun of other issues. I have been diagnosed with weather phobia. My region has been hit by a particularly strong winter this year. So when we have snow in the forecast, my anxiety ramps up. Before I changed jobs, I was able to schedule time off when I saw snow in the forecast. There were times where co-workers who knew my issues would make little comments about this. This does nothing to help. If I tell you about my diagnosed mental health issues, making fun of them only exacerbates them.

I just want to put my voice out there I guess as with everything going on with health care in America right now, mental health is at a forefront of this, and Oregon is ranked low on mental health. I’ve experienced that in the past month myself. Because of this, I’m now going to be volunteering with the Crisis Text Line as of June, so I can start giving back to those who have helped me.

Every day is a struggle. Yesterday I was fine. Today I had to take two of my panic pills as I call them. Tomorrow will probably be the same. Monday who knows? Right now, I’m alive. And part of what keeps me alive is knowing that at least ten people would be sad and hurt if I was gone. And I have a group of people right now that I can turn to for support, whether they like it or not (hehe), and I am so thankful for. And for right now that’s enough.

 

Book Review: We Danced

Goodreads page with synopsis: We Danced

Confession: I’ve had We Danced by Jeff Erno on my Amazon Wishlist for a few years now, and thanks to some Christmas magic in the form of Amazon Gift Cards, finally bought the book recently. I am a sucker for M/M romance stories where one of them has a kid and they have to figure out how to be a family. So, I was really, really looking forward to reading this novel.

I had an inkling that the author derived inspiration from the Brad Paisley song of the same name, and I was right, since he basically directly quoted the song in one portion of the novel. In the song, a woman comes back to the bar looking for her purse she left behind, and the bartender and her fall in love at first sight and dance “like no one has ever danced before”. In We Danced, Josh leaves his cell phone at the bar, and the handsome bar manager Rex is the one who helps him find it. Cue love at first sight, and things moving way too fast.

Characters

Main characters are Josh and Rex. Josh is a twenty-something vet student who is in town for an internship at a vet clinic. Rex is a late twenties/early thirties (I don’t think we ever got confirmation) bar manager who wanted to be a garage owner who ended up putting his dreams aside when his mama and sister died in a car accident and he adopted his nephew, Tyler. Both are, of course, ridiculously attractive. And this is set in the south, so they have to deal with homophobic family members and community members.

Honestly, the characters didn’t astound me in any way, shape, or form. They were nice enough. But they could be archetypes for any M/M romance novel. Nothing really stood out about them. Tyler, as the rambunctious lad of the novel, really didn’t stand out either because what I’ve found with most M/M romances where there’s a parent/child combo involved is that the kid is too smart for his own good, and sometimes that comes off as obnoxious, as is the case with little Ty.

What saved Ty though was that his relationship with Rex was tested by outside forces trying to tear them apart, which then tested Rex and Josh. Now this is where the story got good for me, and where the character development shone. However, this was basically three-quarters of the way into the book, and I felt like it was a bit too late.

Aside from the three of them, we are introduced mainly to Josh’s family, and parts of Rex’s family. Josh’s family is pretty conservative, with a pastor Uncle, a stuck-up conservative Aunt (more on her later), and Rex’s family seems to serve the purpose of babysitters for Ty. It wouldn’t be a M/M romance without a gal pal for Josh though, and we have Dana who somehow has perfect gaydar after only knowing Josh for five minutes. How about that…

Story

Not much to say on the story. Typical love at first sight in a small Southern town. Their love is tested by outside forces, though it was nice that this time it wasn’t tested by another guy coming in to mess things up. I felt that the Southern setting lent itself well to the plot line of trying to tear the family apart, but Josh’s aunt’s hatred of Josh just wasn’t explained enough. The religious aspect was, and I appreciated that, but it all seemed too simple. It seemed like something else was going on. The soap opera watcher in me almost wanted Josh’s uncle to really be his dad and for his aunt to know that and to hate him for it. But alas, it was just a religious hatred that drove her to try to destroy Rex’s life, and Josh’s in turn.

Other than that, everything was rushed. I lost track of time. One minute they’re spending their first weekend together, the next Rex is asking Josh to move in. Turn the page, it’s the end of the book. Like… what did I miss? Oh yeah. Development. That’s what I missed.

Least Favorite Part

This was difficult, and not for the reason you might think. There really wasn’t anything I completely disliked about the novel. There were just mainly things that I was ambivalent about or that just could’ve been handled better. I feel like if the author had taken more time to develop the characters more, or given more depth to the relationship between Josh and Rex, I would’ve cared more. Instead, I left the novel feeling ambivalent. And I don’t like that.

Favorite Part

The backstory of Rex and the town was nice. Again, as a soap opera lover, I love a good backstory! But again, the author gave us a bit, but didn’t deliver. When he started telling us the history of the town, and the history of Rex, I thought, “Ooo, okay, so now we’re getting somewhere!” And really, we didn’t get far. But it was a valiant try, and so that’s where my kudos goes!

Overall

I gave We Danced a three-star rating on Goodreads. It was neither good or bad, and I’ve definitely read worse. It was a nice read, and I definitely think parts of it were enjoyable, but feel the author could’ve put more effort into mining the riches that the characters and backstory had to offer.

Book Review: Pictures of You & You Are Not Me (90's Coming of Age Series)

The books titled Pictures of You and You Are Not Me are the first two entries in the 90’s Coming of Age series written by Leta Blake. The story, set in the early 90’s, follows young Peter as he falls in love with a boy for the first time, and gets introduced to the perils of love, and introduced to gay culture in the 90’s.

Originally, I was going to review Pictures of You once I had finished it, but when I had read the last word on the last page, I accidently slid my thumb on my Kindle, and found that a second book in the series had already been published. So I immediately downloaded it and gobbled it up within a week. Hence the double review.

Characters

The main protagonist is Peter. His physical description is a bit murky. In some instances, he’s called a twink, where in others he seems to be more of a nerdish gangly sort of guy, where in others he just seems like an average kid that no one would glance twice at. His dominant description is a twink though, so we’ll go with that. He’s awkward, and he’s stubborn. He, like so many of us in real life, has blinders on when it comes to love. He trips and stumbles in social interactions, and in the second book, he realizes that he wants to create a circle of gay friends and become part of that community more, and stumbles in what is the right way to behave within that community.

I felt Peter’s personality and social awkwardness were very realistic and well written. I felt the author grasped what so many of us baby gays go through as we stumble into the gay culture for the first time, thinking we find love when really, we’re being used (even if we’re told its love). Add in the setting of the 90’s, and the nuances and the behaviors fit perfectly.

The other main characters would be Adam and Daniel, Peter’s love interests. I don’t really want to spend much time on Adam, as he brings up a lot of bad memories of a certain ex of mine, but needless to say that Adam is the perfect example of a closeted gay boy who wants his cake and gets to eat it too. Daniel is too perfect. Think Aiden compared to Mr. Big. Actually, that’s the perfect comparison between the two. Aiden was too good for Carrie. Mr. Big was just okay for Carrie. Daniel is too good for Peter for most of the story. But again, both characters are well written.

Story

Oh the setting is perfect for this story. Set in the backdrop of the still relevant AIDS crisis, and before even gay marriage really became an issue, you have young love trying to flourish and not know if it even can or what it should look like. Peter thinks it’s okay for Adam to be in love with him and be in love with a girl, and to not even tell the girl. He doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t have the generation before him to show him that it’s okay to be out and proud, because the generation before him is dying. Even when he does finally have people around him telling him that it’s not okay what is happening, he doesn’t believe it, or he doesn’t want to because Adam has made him feel important for once in his life. And for a little baby gay who has been beaten up most of his life for people thinking he was gay, that’s damn important. It doesn’t matter if Adam is a dick.

The story progresses nicely, though the time flow in the first book seems to move a lot faster than in the second. The first book takes place during a whole school year whereas the second book takes place within one summer. It makes sense though since the first book is about first love, and what a ride that could be, and I think the second book is more about finding yourself, and that’s a journey that may be short, but can feel long.

Least Favorite Part

Okay. Two least favorite parts this go around. One is that Peter’s reasoning for staying with Adam makes little to no sense. Yes, I tried to look at it through the view point of someone who hasn’t read countless gay romances and coming of age novels, viewed countless gay romance and coming of age films, and experienced a few of those moments myself. I tried viewing it as someone coming out and coming of age in 1992 rather than 2016. Still. Made no sense. I felt the author could have tried better to have the readers understand Peter’s reasoning more.

Second least favorite part: The ending of the second novel. I get it. She needed to set up the third novel. She needed to make the readers want more. BUT DAMN IT! And that’s all I’ll say as I like to keep my reviews as spoiler free as possible.

Favorite Part

I feel the setting of the story was my favorite part. It gave the story a feeling that helped drive the emotions, thoughts, and reasoning of the characters. The 90’s were the perfect choice as if the author chose the 80’s, you would’ve been full blown into the AIDS crisis, and if she had chosen the mid-to-late 90’s, you would’ve had less and less concern about other people’s thinking. Sure, it would’ve still been there, but the early 90’s had that perfect blend of being afraid but being proud.

Overall

Overall, I gave each book a four-star rating on Goodreads. Each was enjoyable to read, and I am looking forward to a third book in the series. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes a good coming of age story. 

Links on Goodreads for Synopsis:

Pictures of You

You Are Not Me